This is a post about me

I rarely write on this site, as you can see by the dates on the navigation panel. The last post was 10 things life has taught me, written on the 22nd of february 2025. The post before that was titled Kiana, dedicated to my wonderful girlfriend who has been by my side for nearly four years. It was posted on the 12th of november 2023 but I thought of the words in the post long before they were posted. It says "If loving you is a crime, I am an outlaw", referring to how life has tried very hard to separate us, but we remain together no matter what. These posts are over a year apart.

I sometimes tell myself that the inspiration is lacking, or that I've lost my creativity. But once I get started, it's hard for me to stop writing. I just have to make writing a habit. I'm lucky enough to have a platform that I built myself to write on, nothing can control me and I can write about whatever I want. As a computer scientist, the internet is my playground. So what's stopping me?

I could write about the many computer-related challenges I've faced this year, like my migration from DigitalOcean to OpenBSD.Amsterdam or my struggles with Linux-based systems on my desktop, but I don't want to be yet another tech blog. I could write poems as I used to, in french or english, but poems are seen as weird and are open to interpretation. Poems expose a big part of your soul. I don't want to have a website full of random poems that people don't understand. I've been misunderstood enough.

What better to start writing than to write a post about me, a real one? Not an introduction like there is on the front page, a post that shows my soul like a poem would without being susceptible to be misunderstood.

I am a NERD.

When I boot my desktop, I'm greeted by this refind menu.

I usually choose the pufferfish on the left. For school work, it's one of the other two. I am currently writing this on OpenBSD using Emacs and the XMonad window manager while watching an episode of Lost.

This is not a post about OpenBSD, Emacs, Lisp, Haskell, or tech. This is simply to show what kind of computer user I am. My last project was an online game of uno playable via telnet and my current project is to make a FreeBSD NAS that will host a Plex server on an old computer (currently waiting for parts).

I like having computer projects. I love telling the computer what to do and not have it the other way around. I've found myself rummaging through my Operating System's code before. Although I have not contributed any code, I have helped in finding the source of bugs that affected my own computers. This is something that I take pride in and that I wish to do for my whole life. As such, proprietary operating systems do not fit with my lifestyle.

However, I am not against using proprietary systems and I use them when necessary. I love computers and I'm happy when a proprietary system makes advancements.

I am aiming for an academic career

Research is what drives the world forward. Every advancement, every life-changing product that has been made was created not by greedy companies looking for profit, but by researchers who wanted to drive the world forward. They were taken by the companies who found ways to market them and increase their profit margins because of them.

I don't care about money. I want to help the world move forward. So I am aiming to do research in computer science for the rest of my life. Only time will tell how far I can go with this goal in mind.

I have addictions.

I am addicted to nicotine. I am a smoker since 2019 and I'm proud to have gone from cigarettes to vape devices, and to have gone from 20mg vape juice to 3mg. This is an illness.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I've been drinking for a long time and there was a time where I could drink a bottle of spirits in a single night by myself. Not drinking too much for me was drinking four cans of strong beer a day. I stopped drinking on August 4th 2024, making me 8 months sober at the time of writing this post. This is an illness that touches my whole family.

I have various smaller addictions such as food, Coca-Cola (with which I've replaced drinking) and coffee.

But, the most beautiful addiction that I've had in my life and that I'm lucky enough to have today is love. It is the only addiction I know of that doesn't have any drawbacks, only benefits, and I pity those who cannot feel it or who cannot find someone to share it with. This one addiction is the reason all of my other addictions are going away.

I do not talk about politics.

Nihilism, syndicalism, what about it? The world is a sad and angry place these days.

I have a genetic disability.

I suffer from schizophrenia. It is treated well, but because I suffered so much because of it, I do not like to talk about it or remind myself of what I've been through.

The illness has blessed me with an overflowing and vivid imagination and a knack for abstract thought which is taking me through my studies in computer science.

The illness has cursed me with bad memories because of what I felt, a bad reputation because of what it made me say and do, and a lifetime of medication. I'm thankful for the care I've received through Canada's healthcare system.

To anyone suffering from mental illness, let me say this: Your psychiatrist is your friend, tell them every detail that will help them help you. If your medication is wrong, tell them you want to stop it, and they will be obligated to transition you to a new one. I've found the medication that works for me, and you can too. There are many options out there.

A closing word

This was a very personal post to write. I am writing this hoping that somebody can relate to it, find encouragement in the challenges I've lived and pushed through. The next one might not be so personal. It might just be a poem or a short story, or even just something about my day or week. I do not know what this blog will be about, but I don't want it to be yet another tech blog. I want it to be a creative, personal blog made by a techie.

A poem

When the pen rips the paper

When the hand presses further

When the ink stains the table

The word must not crumble